Yes, that’s right. Muffled screaming from under a cushion is what I have to offer you instead of blogging right now.
I’ve been casting around for several days for the perfect, playful, lighthearted words to use on this here blog, and I haven’t got any, I don’t think.
There’s been a lot going on. Things, as usual, that I am not able to talk about while they are ongoing, and find it difficult to write about anything else because this blog is pretty representative of my life, and I am not good at lying, or sounding happy when I am actually worrity.
But I need to try very hard to write something, because otherwise I will just sit here stewing in my own tepid juices. I will therefore be going back to abandoned drafts, and the list of possible posts next to my bed and in my diary. And trying to pull things together from there. Just warning you, because some of them are a bit random. There’s one note in my diary that just says ‘DICK/GRAVY’, so while I might not tackle that one until I have a clearer idea where it came from, and start with the slightly more fully formed ones instead.
Otherwise, while I’m on that, if anyone just wants to suggest a title, and I can write a post to go with it, that would be really good. Really good, actually. I am too much in my head to be able to pull anything out right now, perhaps it would be good to start with someone else’s instead.
Yes. Do that. Can someone suggest a title?
It can be a sentence? Or a list suggestion? Or a quotation? Or just a title?
Anyone? Please? Help.
I’m a bit drowny.
Anna
Would you please tell us more about that pirate shop - the shop in the mission that sells all the piratey things. My particular areas of inerest are:
1. How does it survive as a going concern?
2. Do the staff talk like pirates (namely, like the pirate in The Simpsons)
Also, you were going to tell us some anecdote about something that happened in the lane out side your window - some amusing thing you saw to do with drugs, or the nightclub, or silly bouncers, or something.
Comment by Damian — 1 July, 2009 1:39 pm
what about “the day lucy fell off a chair”. that’d make me laugh, at least. x :)
but I’m going to wait patiently for Dick/Gravy.
Comment by lucy — 1 July, 2009 2:18 pm
…or how about giving us the lowdown on another one of your pedestrian city explorations. Pedestrian as in “on foot”, not as in “dull”, that is.
Comment by Mark Howells-Mead — 1 July, 2009 2:29 pm
I like bananas because
and not in a clean way….
it would certainly fit with the Dick/gravy topic
Comment by smidge — 1 July, 2009 2:31 pm
Gravy dick sounds very familiar, I wonder where that comes from…. Now *I* won’t be able to blog or anything, too busy will I be trying to remember why on earth that is so familiar to me.
Hmm..
Comment by Fi — 1 July, 2009 2:40 pm
Damian - Oooh, the club outside my window (it’s not a night club is an … ahem … *different* kind of club, I just have to find words for it that won’t make my mother blush)
The Pirate Store I will answer here: I’m obviously not a spokesperson for them, so don’t want to put up a whole post about it, but cn tell you what I know. Basically Dave Eggers and some writer friends wanted to set up a writing centre for neighbourhood kids in the Mission neighbourhood of San Francisco. San Francisco is a very cultural and arts-hungry city, but obviously public school systems are always under strain in any inner-city, and there was very little creative writing going on.
So they either leased or bought this property, not sure which, with a mind to turning it into a drop-in writing centre that also help workshops as well as homework after-school clubs and in-school programs etc. That’s certainly what they do now, and what 826 Valencia (the address of the writer’s centre/store) is for.
However. when they were developing it they discovered that they were in a commercial zone, and had to have a shop front. They were gutting the back room at the time, and decided they had the perfect inside of a pirate ship. So the frontage of the shop sells pirate supplies - not for profit, every cent made goes to support the writing projects of 826 Valencia. It stays afloat (ho ho ho) because it’s supported by public donations and grants as well, as a registered charity.
And no, the staff don’t have to talk like pirates, but kids coming into the store can dig for treasure in a big vat of sand (but only if they agree to draw a picture or write a story to barter for whatever they might find).
As I say, some of that might not be quite on the mark, which is why I don’t particularly want to put my name to a whole post on it - but that’s what I’ve gathered from volunteering with them in various things, and I hope to write something about it in the future.
Does that answer your questions?
Comment by anna — 1 July, 2009 2:41 pm
Lucy/everyone - I honestly can’t remember the genesis of it, and that it was *probably* a very funny conversation that was going to make the basis of a very good blog post, but I’m damned if I know what it was.
I only remember that it might have come from the phrase “If it’s going to be THAT kind of party, I’m going to put MY dick in the gravy!” but I can’t remember if it’s something I read somewhere or something I said to my beloved which turned into a conversation that I then thought would turn into a good post and wrote down the root in the belief that would spark a memory of the whole conversation. It is failing to do that, right now.
Comment by anna — 1 July, 2009 2:45 pm
I was cleaning out some old notebooks and papers recently, and I came across an old college notebook in which I’d jotted down some ideas for short stories, possibly songs/poems, etc, with similarly puzzling results.
Comment by Maria in Oregon — 1 July, 2009 4:43 pm
Hmm, title suggestions…
“iPhones, and why I will not be getting one.” (Ignore if not applicable, obviously.)
“Things I have thought about David Bowie”
“Ten ways to tell if your loved one is a mental.”
Comment by Anna F — 1 July, 2009 5:05 pm
It’s not a very original title but, “Top 10 things to do in SF.” You mentioned you were becoming a very good tour guide as you were getting lots of visitors. I’m planning a trip to SF and could use some suggestions.
Comment by Vanessa — 1 July, 2009 10:51 pm
‘Cats: a filler in times of trouble.’
Preferably accompanied by cute pictures.
Comment by Sam — 1 July, 2009 11:22 pm
“Seven Things Which I Sometimes Would Like to Shout at People (If I Were a Shouty Kind of Person (Instead of Being a Parentheses Kind of Person))”
Comment by Alexander — 1 July, 2009 11:57 pm
just saw ‘looking for Eric’ and thought I would offer one of Cantonna’s advice (and don’t blame me, it’s the first time ever) : “there are always more choices than you think”
Comment by Caco — 2 July, 2009 1:33 am
Thanks for the pirate rundown. You’ve told me more about the shop than anyone else, including Mrs Albion, who bought me a shirt there with a pirate saying, “Nobody takes me seriously any more, aargh” on the front.
Now I REALLY want to hear about that club.
Maybe you and your beloved could visit - on assignment! I can’t help thinking that, the weirder the club, the more amusing your annecdote.
Comment by Damian — 2 July, 2009 2:04 am
Maybe you could share another tale from the waxing salon. Mrs Albion returned, traumatised, from a waxing experience yesterday. It prompted me to read your post about your undies being glued on.
(And here’s a tip - Bio Oil is quite good at getting the was off.)
Comment by Damian — 2 July, 2009 2:06 am
How about a rundown of fast food that you have eaten at stadium events (sport, opera, political rallies, etc). Pros and cons of each please.
Perhaps you would eat different food at the same venue, depending on the event.
Comment by Damian — 2 July, 2009 2:08 am
1a). Look - over the starboard quarter - pirates, closing fast, threatening your Little Red Boat! Quick Anna, what are you going to do?
Answer in 500 words. (5 marks)
1b). What sort of boats to cyber pirates use?
Answer briefly. (2 marks)
1c). Say AAAarrrrgh!!!!
Comment by Damian — 2 July, 2009 2:10 am
why don’t you do one of your live blogging pieces? Switch on the television. Choose a channel at random (preferably one of those 24hour shopping channels, plenty of good material there). Blog whatever you see…
Comment by mondraussie — 2 July, 2009 2:41 am
Ooh yes, I like mondraussie’s idea.
Sadly I am all hot and sticky and bereft of ideas.
No. I think you should write about blackboards. Because there is one (a small, old-fashioned, hand-held one, left over from my mum’s primary school, which was old-fashioned even then (in the 40s and 50s) - technically I believe it’s called a slate) propped up on the desk in front of me and that’s the furthest my imagination could get - about 60cm, in fact.
Comment by Beleaguered Squirrel — 2 July, 2009 3:08 am
“Things my mother should have told me. But didn’t”
“Coming home one evening, I find my 10 year old self sitting on the couch watching TV. The ensuing conversation goes like this….”
“In which I don’t get off the bus/underground/train at my usual stop, but stay on for X further stops instead, finding myself somewhere I have never been before, and what I find there”.
“In which I help out for the day at the local charity shop/old folks’ home/school for special needs children/library”
“In which I go to the gardening store, buy a watering can and some plants and spend a happy hour beautifying a previously neglected area in my neighbourhood” (inspired by http://www.guerillagardening.com)
“In which I finally meet my neighbours”
“Just how wonderful are trees?”
“In which My Beloved and I decide to bake a cake”
“Ten things I am thankful for - and why I am thankful for them”
“My favourite books”
“The view from my window/front door”
“The period of history I would really like to have lived in”
“Shakespeare, and why I loathe his plays”
“Isn’t modern architecture awful?”
“In which I perform a Good Deed”
“In which I decide to say “Hello” to every single person I pass on the street today - and their reactions”
“My favourite building - and why I love it”
“In which I finally decide to do that which I have been putting off for hours/days/weeks/months/years”
There you go, that should keep you busy for a while.
Comment by Exit, Pursued by a Bear — 2 July, 2009 3:51 am
So, butter. What’s that all about?
Comment by Damian — 2 July, 2009 5:28 am
Wow, if you said it (as in comment #7) no wonder you and beloved moved to SF.
Exit sure has a lot of ideas to keep you busy. Perhaps it’s best left to him with imagination.
Comment by joeinvegas — 2 July, 2009 10:37 am
Well, I once wrote about virginity restoration (a common practice back home). I then Googled it and found a lot of fascinating info on the subject. I did not know they were doing it on the NHS, did you? Neither did I not know it was becoming popular with rich American ladies, to spice up their married lives…so you could check it out the topic) and tell us what you think.
PS: Can’t wait for the dick&gravy story. I hope it has nothing to do with the news a few years ago, where this German cannibal dude ate another guy’s penis- “sauteed with garlic” they said.
Comment by scary azeri — 2 July, 2009 11:12 am
What Kittens Did.
What Kittens Did Next.
(The illustrated versions.)
Comment by Debster — 2 July, 2009 3:25 pm
Write about love! LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEE!
Comment by Rose — 2 July, 2009 3:30 pm
In which we disprove the belief, that, if alcohol is not the answer, it must be a very silly question.
Illustrated version.
Added kittehs.
Comment by craigaroonie — 2 July, 2009 10:27 pm
“British History for dummies, condensed into 500 words.”
Comment by JonnyB — 3 July, 2009 1:34 am
“British History for dummies, condensed into 500 words.”
“Britain ruled the world. Then lost it all again”
9 words. Not bad!
Comment by Exit, Pursued by a Bear — 3 July, 2009 3:12 am
The 4th of July: will you celebrate? I mean, it is a day recognizing the day this country told yours to shove it where the sun don’t shine (though since then, we’ve gotten on fairly well, as well as 2 countries who speak the same yet quite different language possibly can).
Comment by Jenni — 4 July, 2009 10:50 am
Oh Jenni - it’s only recognising that from *one* point of view. From the other it’s a celebration that day when your needy and occasionally ungrateful teenager leaves the family home!
I kidding! It’s history. And I’m happy to live here, and I like barbeques and days of celebration generally. So HELL yes, I will be celebrating today: I missed all MY national bank holidays, so I will celebrate yours instead!
Comment by Anna — 4 July, 2009 11:34 am
“it is a day recognizing the day this country told yours to shove it where the sun don’t shine”
And there you have it, ladies and germs - the rudeness and ingratitude of the Former Colonial encapsulated in a single, inelegant sentence.
Listen, Bub, the vast majority of “your” people came from this great country in the first place, bringing their culture and traditions with them, without which you’d all probably still be living in swamps eating racoons or whatever it is you eat over there.
So, you can stick your warmongering and your foreign policy and your corrrupt businessmen like Madoff and the Enron and World.com guys and your gun-totin’ teenagers and your climate abuse and your chewing gum and McDonalds and be thankful for being an English colony in your formative centuries.
Comment by Exit, Pursued by a Bear — 4 July, 2009 11:45 am
Now now, childer! NO FIGHTING in the Little Red Boat!
It is the only rule or one of three. No politics, no trolls, and NO FIGHTING. Yay!
Oh, apart from on that post I tossed off quickly a few years ago about not liking thomas kinkade. That’s open season.
Comment by Anna — 4 July, 2009 12:05 pm
ooh, can’t you do another kinkade bashing? I’ll join in…. go on.
Comment by lucy — 5 July, 2009 12:58 am
Oh, people still comment on the old one, Lucy, at east a couple a month. I’m not writing a new one …
Comment by anna — 5 July, 2009 1:18 am
The club outside your window.
Comment by guyana gyal — 5 July, 2009 5:37 pm
I second (or third) the Kittehs in times of crisis idea!
Comment by Jen — 6 July, 2009 2:11 am
More on hot dogs and whatever other American food products you find compelling. The oranger the better.
Comment by Meg — 6 July, 2009 2:46 am
I know what you mean about finding inpiration for your blog - it’s either too personal and therefore off-limits or so banal no-one could possibly want to read it. I must say though - with your writing style I think you can just about get away with anything….
Still - here’s a few suggestions -just in case you need them:
just the other day…..
things you can say in the US but not in the UK, e.g. fanny
latest culinary disaster/triumph
Did the moonwalk die with Jackson?
More chance meetings with crazy people
Latest city find (come on - you must have a few more of those!)
Cheerio!
Comment by Inselaffe — 6 July, 2009 3:42 am
These are all BRILLIANT.
I will get on it. (later today, at least, monday’s my busiest day)
thank you!
xxx
Comment by anna — 6 July, 2009 7:51 am
Another vote for kitlings. Even if they are catseses by now.
I know this may be an unwelcome thought for you, but I’ve always thought that if you ever had a kid, I would quit my job and just sit here at the computer incessantly hitting the refresh button, waiting for the next brilliant, hilarious, laugh-till-I-pee post. So, you could give that a go… (Not HAVING a kid, actually, of course. You could maybe borrow one, or just imagine really hard.)
Memories of your little mother. I love reading about her.
Worst family holiday ever (in a funny way, not “and then everyone died”) - and here’s something to hold it up in comparison to: http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2009/07/01/awkward-family-story-the-thanksgiving-letter/ Remember when you said you really like the US thanksgiving, because it’s not commercial, it’s just about relaxing and enjoying the day with the ones you love? Yeah. Sure.
Things you wish you had learned 5-10-20 years before you did.
If you could change anything about your body, what would it be? And not in the “my butt’s too big, I don’t like my nose” sense - in the “retractable claws and a tentacle coming from the base of my neck” sense.
What does it look like past the point where the universe ends?
If you had to leave the US in a week, and couldn’t go back to the UK for whatever reason, where would you go and what would you do to make a living when you got there? with photos of course
You know, of course, you could just stick a handful of pictures up here every couple of days, and I daresay many of us would be content with that. Especially if some of them were cats.
Comment by elayne — 6 July, 2009 8:06 am
Bwah, hah, hah! A good way to look at the 4th! I’m sure I’ll think that way as my own kids grow.
(and really, I meant no disrespect! But goodness, the day is all about celebrating independence and as a colony, we were a little rude to the King and all….)
Comment by Jenni — 6 July, 2009 6:07 pm
Here’s a life buoy, just in case you’re still feeling drowny.
What do you mean, where? It’s imaginary, but it’s probably just to the left of your right elbow.
Comment by Beleaguered Squirrel — 7 July, 2009 2:53 am
cough, 9th July, cough
/coat
Comment by craigaroonie — 8 July, 2009 9:22 pm
your clock is wrong
by my point on the globe anyway.
it is 9 july, trust me
k, going now.
ps, mew
you say meow, i say mew
Comment by craigaroonie — 8 July, 2009 9:24 pm
It’s the eighth. And shut up.
If I’m not writing anything right now, it’s not out of malice. Please trust that.
Comment by anna — 8 July, 2009 9:28 pm
Okey Dokey. Do what ya gotta do.
10th now.
International Date Line, Hello?
West of that.
Comment by craigaroonie — 9 July, 2009 9:02 pm
DUDE!
Enough with the hard times already!
My life has been *kind of* falling apart over here.
Gimme a break, I’m TRYING!
Comment by anna — 9 July, 2009 9:17 pm
Dear Anna
I have been reading all your old blogposts to cheer me up. A while back you started a post with:
“I keep, as I mentioned in brief while asking for titles to posts, buying things from eBay almost, it must be said, by mistake. However, I will post about that another day”.
You do not seem to have ever actually written this post and therefore are in breach of contract.
Please write this post soon.
Yours sincerely
Exit
Comment by Exit, Pursued by a Bear — 11 July, 2009 3:46 pm