There were only a couple of minutes until we had to run for the movie. I wolfed down the end of my bread and sucked hard on my straw to drain the last of my glass.
We were going to see a film - just the females of the group, it was kind of an unwritten law, given the film we were going to see - and so I politely excused myself and made for the bathroom. Better now than queuing at the cinema with the 95% female audience, I thought, as I headed to the back of the restaurant.
There was just one little room - it was just one little restaurant, so that was hardly surprising - and, opening the door, I flicked the switch outside it. Nothing happened. I flicked it again. No light that had been on went off, and no light that was off went on. There was either some kind of light/switch problem, I thought, or this was a completely meaningless switch just put there to antagonise tourists.
No matter, I thought. They will not beat me so easily! I am plucky, and British, and resiliant to all their cheap tourist-bating tricks! I will piss in the dark! It’s called blitz mentality, my friends, and it’s in our veins! And our bladders! Take that! I thought, and closed the door behind me.
There is detail to be left out at this point, as even the longstandiest blogger has her privacy levels, though I would like to note the following train of thought:
“This must be what it is like peeing when you are blind. It’s very dark in here. Pitch black, in fact. So if I was blind, this is what it would be like. Interesting. I’m pretty good at this. I could totally do blind, I think. In fact…”
And at this point I bent over to pull up my jeans and a piece of plaster moulding that had been quietly lurking on a corner of wall next to the door leapt out and punched me in the face.
I am a little accident prone, it must be said, but even My Beloved was surprised when I managed to come back from a two minute trip to the toilet bleeding from the eyebrow.
Grabbing my coat and shaking my fringe over my eyes, I put on my cheeriest voice. “Shall we go then?!” I blitzed, cheerfully - and as the other women of the City collected their belongings to go and watch some Sex In It, bent over and mumbling asked if it looked bad. “Youch” said my beloved, helpfully.
At the cinema I held a tissue over the lump the size of half a boiled egg and wished I had ordered something with ice in it, as rubbing the damn thing with salted popcorn was going to do no good whatsoever.
And then, as the girliest film in the history of hymens flickered before my eyes, I realised a terrible thing. Blitz mentalities might be all well and good; stoicism is super, and stiff upper lips are marvellous things to behold. But I was in the most litigious country in the world, and I had totally, totally missed a trick.
And yes, yes, I know, all this talk, and all you want to see is pictures….
Bastards. Here you are:
That mostly looks like you’ve gone for a rather dramatic eyeshadow look. (Probably even more dramatic when it was bleeding.) Also, ouch.
Also, though, yowza! That slimming thing seems to be working for you. I mean, I realise it’s hard to tell from photos of your eyebrow, and all. But go Anna!
Comment by scroobious — 7 June, 2008 11:35 am
You did miss a trick - on the other hand, none of you missed the film.
Comment by Z — 7 June, 2008 12:13 pm
Crikey, that looks like a corker! Just bumped in to a plaster moulding and caused that? What are you, a Princess or something? :-)
Comment by Brennig — 7 June, 2008 5:15 pm
Being non-British, therefore my upper lip is quite wobbly, I would not go into a dark loo. As far as I’m concerned, snakes [the real ones, not the two-legged ones...but them too, come to think of it] await one in a dark loo. I’d run to someone working there, telling them the switch is not working and I NEED to go NOW or I’ll wee on the floor, right there. Something like that.
Comment by guyana gyal — 7 June, 2008 6:09 pm
Ouch! Although yeah it does kind of look like dramatic and cool eyeshadow… have you tried matching it on the other side?
I am also gifted in the falling over things, walking into things and banging my head on things department, although I have to admit that my sister was blessed with most of the talent. She is incredibly accident prone and has incredibly bad luck - like crowd surfing and getting dropped on her head! What can I say, we’re a special kind of family…
Comment by Eloise — 7 June, 2008 6:29 pm
I think you are playing down the role your other half played. His outburst of emotion hardly gets any time in this tale, you should be ashamed when he’s offered such support and emotional connection in your time of need.
Of course if he really loved you he’d have offered to punch your other eye to even things up… ditch him now!!
Comment by Gordon — 7 June, 2008 7:47 pm
Yeah, but what about the other guy?
To be fair, you should’ve taken a picture of the vicious plaster that lurked in the shadows waiting to get ya.
(With a flash bulb, naturally.)
Comment by Merry — 7 June, 2008 7:59 pm
OW OW OW.
Those are 20k ows, so I figure they owe you at least $60,000.
Comment by asta — 7 June, 2008 8:13 pm
Sorry to read about your accident Anna. Did you miss the “restroom out of order” sign on the door. At least, you are lucky that there wasn’t a six-foot deep hole in the floor of the toilets while they were being re-furbished.
Comment by pierre l — 7 June, 2008 10:10 pm
Oh dear - that does look bad! Can you go back and get litigious on their asses after the event?
Comment by Marianne — 8 June, 2008 9:30 am
OUCH! You poor thing! I hope you’re being pampered like crazy right now. :)
Comment by Katie — 8 June, 2008 10:00 am
The concept of a room being of “pitch black” is an interesting one. Nowadays there’s normally there’s so much light pollution from emergency exit signs and electronic gadgets you rarely get to experience it; I think the time I first did properly was a week or two ago during a power cut. When you realise you can’t actually see even a shadow of your hand when its held directly in front of your face, its amazing the level comfort a tiny red LED on a transistor radio can provide.
Personally I always carry a torch - its a whole different ball-game* for men when it comes to using a toilet in low-light conditions. Our aim is variable at the best of times and if it really was pitch black I wouldn’t want to risk sitting down without being assured of the cleanliness of the seat beforehand.
* (Sorry)
Comment by William T — 8 June, 2008 11:33 am
What is the POINT of being friends with non-lawyers if they don’t immediately ring you in a litigation situation? I ask you.
Comment by Katy Newton — 8 June, 2008 11:53 am
Ermmmm - that is a feeble excuse for a black eye, says the Queen of Black-Eyes. I just hope that it doesn’t hurt quite as much as you say …. That’s a very tender area - and I should know.
The next time that you walk into a darkened toilet - take a pack of frozen peas with you. I always forget, but perhaps you won’t.
I hope it gets better soon.
Comment by zed — 8 June, 2008 6:03 pm
There are several words (exclamations, in fact), that could accompany those pictures, but the one my brain is particularly thinking right now is YOWCH.
Ow ow ow.
Comment by nibblepig — 9 June, 2008 7:48 am
My work blocks flickr pictures so I am having to imagine how ‘youch’ your eye looks. Get better soon.
Comment by James — 9 June, 2008 10:21 am
Hi Anna
new to your blog but SO love your Apprentice blog that have decided to bookmark it.
That eye looks terrible. I sympathise on the accident prone-ness. This week I have managed to almost break a toe walking into my son’s highchair, bruise my elbow on a door and have my own, less dramatic, black eye thanks to my toddler hitting me in the eye with Lego.
Comment by valley girl — 9 June, 2008 2:07 pm
Wait a minute……You go through all that, and all you can tell your Beloved is that you had an accident? You’re a writer for chrissakes! You could have done better……You could have said:
1. One toilet, 30 women in line. Things can get ugly.
2. There was blond looking at you when we first went into the theater. I made sure she never did that again.
3. I gave as good as I got, my love……..
We’ll expect better of you next time…..oh, and truly, I do hope you are better. That one had to hurt…..
Comment by a usual suspect — 9 June, 2008 2:32 pm
Ouch.
Comment by JoeInVegas — 9 June, 2008 3:48 pm
I would have done exactly the same thing. There is no way I would have considered a) asking about the light in the first place or b) saying anything about it afterwards. In point a I would be too scared and in point b I would be too scared and too hurty.
That looks sore, I hope it feels better super-soon. x
Comment by Léonie — 9 June, 2008 4:14 pm
Ah, that does look painful, and colourful. Working with lawyers, I’d say - sue the bastards! You actually have exactly 2 years from the time of injury until you can file a complaint in court. (Do go back to the restaurant and insist on filling out an accidnet/incident form for the purpose of documentation, since no one’s gonna remember exactly what happened a couple of years down the road.) However, do not wait 2 years before ever talking to a lawyer, because it takes a long time to gather documentation, etc. Go immediately! (Lawyers are slow.) I don’t think there’s any economic damages (like doctor bills), but you have a possibility of getting noneconomic damages, i.e. having to go around looking like an eye-shadow version of Michael Jackdson’s single glove…Plus pain and sufering.
Sorry, I’m not really allowed to give legal advice, but there it is.
Comment by Maria — 9 June, 2008 4:58 pm
Arnica tablets help brilliantly for this kind of thing, good for trauma, injuries and bruising. I am an expert due to having three accident prone kids and being known for being one of the clumsiest people on the planet myself.
Poor, poor you.
Comment by katyboo1 — 9 June, 2008 6:45 pm
Oh, ow! I never think to take pictures of my bruises. Hmmm…
You’re in the Warchild book, but Peach has the link wrong. You may want to head on over and correct her…
And I hope your eye heals soon!
Comment by Barb McMahon — 9 June, 2008 9:52 pm
Good God, that’s a scary bruise. If you had hit just slightly lower you might have done some serious damage to your eyeball. As bad as it looks - and I’m sure it feels even worse; that’s a sensitive area - I’m glad it was “just a flesh wound” (”just”?!?!).
Also, you rock on with your stiff upper lip and all… had that happened to me, everyone within a twelve block radius would have heard about it. For hours.
You look fabulous, by the way - black eye and all. Your eyes are a lovely colo(u)r; I’m trying not to be envious.
Comment by elayne — 10 June, 2008 3:25 pm
Also, “girliest film in the history of hymens” is pure, unadulterated genius.
Comment by elayne — 10 June, 2008 3:26 pm
Ouch. You are starting to sound as bad as me.
Comment by Invader Stu — 10 June, 2008 8:35 pm
Mine’s blocked the picture too! I am imagining the youch ness and I can see why salted popcorn wouldn’t work. (I still have no one to go see SATC with!!!!)
I say go you for peeing in the dark - I used to do it at home in the middle of the night so I didn’t wake anyone.
I also used to pee pretty much in the dark when we went camping other wise the whole toilet tent would light up like Blackpool and the whole camp would know what you were doing!
Comment by Hannah — 11 June, 2008 4:03 pm
What a shiner!
Comment by Nicole — 11 June, 2008 6:07 pm
Good job!!! That is a good one!!!
Comment by Hannah — 11 June, 2008 6:18 pm
Ouch… but also very colourful and pretty ;o)
Comment by Lady Miss Marquise — 16 June, 2008 1:08 am