The sausage bone’s connected to the … rasher bone.
[It was requested that since I haven't got time to post the finished things, I post some of the half written things hanging around my desktop and documents folder. Well, you asked for it. That's all]
I’ve been spending a long time with recipe books of late. Not really as cooking aids, more as unadulterated porn, really.
Sitting on the sofa, flicking through the pages of another brightly coloured flickbook of rough hands rubbing breasts with herby butter, proud aspargus tips in rolled in salty parma condoms; gargantuan birds, legs akimbo, waiting to be stuffed good and proper - with the smashed lime, coriander and lemongrass pulp that sits at the forefront of the photo.
Currently poor on time, money, still fruitlessly trying to lose weight (I don’t like fruit), and still as shit at actually COOKING as ever, I don’t actually make the recipes. But I really like reading the books, and, of course, getting slightly overexcited and dribbling a bit over the photographs.
I don’t know why I’m thinking about cookery books. No, wait, I do.
I came across a recipe for something that I wouldn’t ever make, and it reignited an utterly pointlss conversation that I seem to have on a dishearteningly regular basis.
To whit: wrapping meat in other meat just seems Weird to me. And other concerns.
I like my meat, don’t get me wrong. Unashamedly, almost unreservedly, I loves me my meat.
So, you know, chicken wrapped in thinly sliced smoked ham - I can see why you would, flavourwise, but, you know, conceptionally, it’s just like stuffing a small feathery thing inside a larger - erm - pig thing, and then lumping the whole sorry thing in a hot oven for 18-20 minutes.
I can come to terms with that slightly better than with sausages wrapped in bacon, though. That’s surely nothing so much as a shoddy attempt to rebuild a pig from scratch, isn’t it, though? It’s like playing god, but kind of method-playing god as a cross between Dustin Hoffman in Rainman, a Blue Peter presenter, and Chewbacca.
- Sorry, the next paragraph was scheduled to appear here, but has been delayed by me getting led off thinking of my devising a feature film updating the classic stories of Frankenstein and Animal Farm, but together, and led by Exactly the character described above. -
In fact, quite apart from wrapping things IN each other, which is by far the most cardinal sin, I’d go as far as to say that serving parts of the same animals in the same dish is quite odd.
And putting Chicken and Egg on the same plate is just unthinkable in all manner of ways. Because quite apart from the multi-generational thing - what do you Eat First?
Ha ha, I always claimed the chicken came first, but now I’m not so sure. How did it evolve? I’ve solved the problem by quitting meat altogether. I couldn’t stand the thought of those poor pigs in their cramped and uncomfortable quarters any longer, let alone their travels heaped in trucks without food and water. I find live very simple and healthy without meat. I still eat fish, though. Somehow that bothers me less, you know, although all those fish in nets are not all that happy either, I guess. I need to think about that!
Comment by Irene — 23 August, 2007 7:21 pm
If you think chicken and egg, and sausages in bacon are somehow unnatural, where do you stand on the issue of the ‘Gala’ pork pie, that heady combination of hardboiled egg concealed in the innards of scrumptious pork pie? Mmmm…ah, who care? Must go buy one now…
Comment by Chris — 23 August, 2007 7:29 pm
Re: chickens, I’d welcome people’s opinions on the “Why did the chicken cross the road?” joke.
As you may have detected elsewhere, I’m not feeling in a particularly clever mood this evening, but for the entirety of my adult life I’ve assumed the answer “To get to the other side” is a reference to the inevitability of the chicken’s death; after it has attempted to cross the road it will indeed be on “the other side”, as a member of the spirit world - only visible to mediums and former Blue Peter presenters on Living TV (
Comment by William T — 23 August, 2007 11:11 pm
[Sorry I messed up the end of that comment]
… (a digital channel called Living TV is the home of programmes about the dead. Oh the irony.)
However, Wikipedia claims that in fact the original joke (or riddle), rather than all the stupid derivatives, was not intended to be funny at all. Look it up and see.
Am I the only person who feels somewhat cheated by this?
Comment by William T — 23 August, 2007 11:12 pm
That’s half- finished? With a cracking ending like that?
Blimey, Anna, you leave most of us (well, me) in the shade.
Comment by z — 23 August, 2007 11:16 pm
Well Irene, as I understand it, it goes like this: Chicken and egg in bed together. Chicken lights up a post-coital cigarrete and says “Now we know the answer”….
Comment by Harry — 23 August, 2007 11:22 pm
z - thank you. That was what was annoying me - I had a punchline from the conversation I’d been having about it that day… It was the middle that was unfinished, annoyingly.
I edit and edit and tinker and tinker and edit. I used to do it once things had gone up - now I’ve got more perfectionist and do it before. AND after. I should just be less of a stressy/prissy little thing and just post the buggers.
Comment by anna — 23 August, 2007 11:41 pm
Ooooooh, food porn! I LOVE cook books! Especially with colour pictures of every wonderful step! I must have at least 20 cook books. Unfortunately, when I moved to a smaller place,I had no room for a book shelf, so I left most of them with my ex. And he doesn’t even cook!
Comment by Maria — 24 August, 2007 12:49 am
Too funny! Sensational post - can’t believe you’ve been holding off on publishing this for so long!!
Comment by Jacki — 24 August, 2007 3:14 am
Thank you for posting these jewels!
Comment by xl — 24 August, 2007 3:24 am
Jewels?! xl, too kind, these are more “Cubic Zirconia Day on QVC”, but thanks anyway.
[smily face thing]
Comment by anna — 24 August, 2007 8:23 am
What about that dish where you put a bird inside another bird inside another bird and so on? So wrong!!
Chicken and bacon? Wrong!
Cheese and chicken? Wrong!
I could go on…
Comment by sooz — 24 August, 2007 9:38 am
Oh dear… thoughts of yummy food too early in morning… how long til lunch? Want sausages wrapped in bacon now - even if they are badly re-constructed pigs, they taste damn fine!
Comment by KT — 24 August, 2007 9:58 am
scotch eggs?
Comment by birchsprite — 24 August, 2007 12:19 pm
sooz - are you thinking of “turducken” (turkey-duck-chicken) how does one even cook that? bizarre if u ask me!
Comment by the other other Karen — 24 August, 2007 2:16 pm
Yes - it’s turducken. An awesome blend of flavors that is worth trying at least once, even if it does violate the “meat-inside-meat” rule.
Great words here, Anna. Now I feel like trying to rebuild a pig in my own way…
Comment by wolf — 24 August, 2007 3:39 pm
I never thought’ve looking up jokes on Wikipedia, but thanks William T for an happy interlude this morning!
My favourite’s this one:
Why should not a chicken cross the road?
It would be a fowl proceeding. (1892)
What I find particularly sinister about sausages wrapped in bacon is that apparently (though not in my house) they are called “pigs in blankets”. Leaving aside the unpleasant possibilities of blankets made of bacon, it seems kind of cruel. Aww, a little piggie fast asleep in a nice blanket… but NO, we’re going to EAT him, MWAHAHA!
But, living in a place where neither proper sausages nor decent bacon are really available, I would KILL for a pig in a blanket right now. Mmmmmmm….
Comment by Eloise — 24 August, 2007 6:37 pm
I love cookbooks too. There’s nothing better than settling yourself down with a tome of Nigella’s or Nigel’s, fantasising about homemade bearnaise and slow roasted pork belly, while ordering yourself a nice jalfrezi online.
I don’t get the wrapping meat inside other meat either. However, I get that much more than I get the ghoulish notion of a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey.
Comment by Miss Hacksaw — 24 August, 2007 9:25 pm
i think the general idea of putting meat inside other meat is that it’s supposed to keep meat that doesn’t have much fat on it tender and juicy, without you having to keep vigil by the oven with a baster.
cook books with pictures rattle me, though. nothing i’ve ever cooked ended up looking like the picture and it just makes me feel like a failure. it’s like buying undergarments with a picture of a model wearing them. you know damn well they’re never going to look like that on you, and they’re just rubbing it in.
Comment by kermit — 25 August, 2007 1:25 am
Birchsprite - Scotch Eggs always make me laugh, it’s *such* a Scottish idea. They get a fairly healthy egg, look at it, and say “I know what’ll make this better! Let’s wrap it in meat, and then fry it!”
Comment by Genevieve — 25 August, 2007 12:25 pm
I have lost the interest for this blog. Ta ta.
Comment by why — 28 August, 2007 8:33 am
“I have lost the interest for this blog. Ta ta.”
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Totally uncalled for, and rampant bollocks to boot.
Comment by clare — 28 August, 2007 9:46 am
As someone who cooked chicken wrappen in Parma ham, topped with sundried tomatoes and melted cheese only last night, (truthfully,) I REALLY have to disagree with you, Sooz!
I once asked for a chicken and cheese toastie at a Pub. Several people heard, several people tried it, and the following day it was on the menu!
gahhhhhhgghghhhh!!! (that noise Homer makes)
Comment by AndyB — 28 August, 2007 12:06 pm
General food rules of thumb:
1. If you’re doing ‘meat-on-meat’, limit yourself to two meats.
2. Chicken & egg on same plate? DON’T DO IT. And remember, mayo is egg-based.
3. Never patronise a fast food takeaway that does more than 2 genres of food. So a chip shop that does pizzas is fine, while a kebab shop that does curries, chips, kebabs and pizzas is not fine at all.
4. When in France, never order rillettes. And try not to sit near anyone who has done so.
Comment by jamie — 29 August, 2007 9:50 am
I don’t know about this chicken/egg embargo in cooking, you know. I make a very good egg and lemon soup which has chicken in it and is delicious.
I just make sure that each spoonful has egg AND chicken in it.
Comment by Katy Newton — 29 August, 2007 11:47 am
It also seems unfair to the animal to chop it up and then try and put it back together again afterwards. It seems a bit like kicking someone when they are already down.
Comment by Invader_Stu — 29 August, 2007 5:33 pm
NO! NO! NO! Chicken and egg together is unnatural. It’s like Cannon and Wise, Morcambe & Ball, The One Ronnie, Steptoe & Daughter, Morecambe & Pace, Bernie Clifton & Lassie. Crazy.
Comment by Jamie — 30 August, 2007 12:35 pm
Well, it all seems perfectly reasonable to me. At least compared to:
1. A thin slice of veal with a thick tuna paste covering it completely (a popular dish here that I just can’t quite get my head round), or
2. Pasta with a sauce comprising cream, prawns and….. yes, ham! Made for me by our 18 year-old, Australian lodger as a special treat. I can add that I’ve never tried anything else he’s done since.
Comment by Andy — 2 September, 2007 6:05 pm
The Japanese have a comfort food called oyako-don, which involves simmering chicken and egg together and serving it on a bowl of rice. It’s not an attractive dish, but popular.
The name comes about by combining the Japanese words “oya” (parent) and “ko” (child). It’s all very Japanese: efficient, and a bit wrong.
Comment by Jon — 3 September, 2007 5:20 am
So there was this International Association of Philosophers annual dinner. Quiet and restrained ’til the chicken omlette arrived. How to begin?
Comment by Yeractual — 8 September, 2007 1:15 am
This is the sort of thing I’ve been looking for. My thanks to Wolf for pointing me in this direction.
And regarding this particular post, apparently, the riddle has been resolved.
I’ll be back when you return.
Comment by Pinhole — 8 September, 2007 4:53 pm