First-time visitors to Brighton - and, as a matter of fact, those who might have moved there on a whim - can often be confused and upset by the sight of large winged dogs swooping at them out of the sky.
The seagull, theoretically a member of the ‘bird’ family, is likely to unsettle the hardiest traveller and resident alike. However, armed with the proper information and tools to deal with the problem, there is no reason why man and enormous angry beast-bird-that-shits-like-a-bad’un should not peacefully coexist.
Apart from the fact that the seagulls don’t seem to feel like it.
History
It is thought that the original prehistoric settlement of Brighton was made by a happy, if simple, pierced people with a diet entirely composed of blended fruit and yoghurt and a primitive layered form of food group layering known as the ‘nachomountin’, who both worshipped and feared the direct pterodactyl descendents with whom they shared their land. Um, air. You know, ’space’.
The people settled in the Land of the Yellow-Beaked Pterodactyl hoping that the mighty beast would in time come to love and protect them, and they, in turn, could come to know their ways, and perhaps sometimes cook and eat them, although in an entirely loving and respectful way.
Unfortunately, this didn’t happen. The Yellow-beaked pterodactyl very quickly learned the ways of the simple tribe, conspiring to keep them awake to make them weak, pooing on all they loved best, and stealing from their precious nachomountins when they weren’t looking. The soft, huddled, disco-loving masses were genuinely, and understandably, afeared of their giant, angry, winged neighbours.
In fact, the name ‘Brighton’ is thought to be a corruption of the word ‘Frighton’. According to the Magna Carta, ‘Frightoned’ was the sign the newly-literate and scared-shitless tribe put at the edge of their encampment to try and attract help from the outside world. Sadly, the Yellow-beaked pterodactyls shat on the sign, rendering it ‘Frighton’. Curious, neighbouring tribes wandered in in packs, and discovering the Frightoneans frightoned no one, they ate from their nachomountin, weed on their promenade and left, satisfied. The Frightoneans grew bored of this, and in time adjusted the sign again, becoming ‘Brighton’. A name they believed would attract a better class of visitor. Sadly, this turned out not to be the case.
Meanwhile, while the Yellow-beaked pterodactyls soon learned to live off the Brightoneans, the Brightoneans, unfortunately, never learned to live off the “seagull” - as it became known (a corruption of ‘Beagle’, the family it was presumed to belong to for a while during the enlightenment) - and have been mainly vegetarian ever since.
Anatomy
The seagull can be anywhere between one metre and nine metres tall, and has a corresponding wingspan of between 9 and 47 metres. Up close, they can be discovered to be as large as 79m big.
While not strictly accurate, this does, at least, represent the essence of the beast, which is, simply, ‘Essence du Fucking Large (Pour Hommeseagull et Femmeseagull)’ TIt should be noted that there is, incidentally, no discernable difference whatsoever between Les Hommeseagulll et les Femmeseagull except that one is more likely to peck you to death if you approach a nest during chicking season, and the other is more likely to peck you to death for absolutely no reason whatsoever. By the time you have discovered the gender of the psychopath, then, it is usually too late. It is useless anyway. What are you going to do, ask them out for drinks-and-perhaps-a-little-dancing-let’s-see-what-happens?
Almost all of their gargantuan height, width and girth is constructed of solid reinforced steel, with a thin covering of white, grey and black fur over the top and the business end of and ice-pick stuck to the front, painted yellow and known as the ‘beak’.
Baby seagulls are easily identified by their adorable fluffiness. They are brown-grey, and thought to be very soft, though no hard evidence exists to confirm this, as anyone who ever got close enough to find out was immediately pecked to death. While exceptionally cute from a distance, a close encounter with an infant seagull is like watching the old lady in the park call forlornly for her darling dog ‘Flupster’, and joining in to help, before turning around and realising you have summoned satan, and have him - in Flupster the Giant Slavering Rottweiler form - running toward you full pelt. And with his mouth open. And that mean nasty look in his eye.
Diet
Big seafood fans, it was once widely touted that seagulls spend much of their leisure time following trailers, in the knowledge that sardines will be thrown into the sea. Unfortunately, while this poetic behaviour may continue in the more wistful areas of international coastline, where EU fishery laws stretch to whimsy, in Brighton the trawler/sardine theory has long since collapsed under the weight of the more practical time- and energy-saving ‘Oh screw it why don’t we just rip open rubbish bags’ seagull conjecture.
By start of the business day, the centre of town may have been buffed into loveliness by crack street-cleaning squads, but little hours earlier I pick my way through piles of eggshells or crusted milk cartons and yesterday’s tampons, feeling like the pale orphan in a Victorian novel and hoping against hope that I don’t die of cholera anytime soon. If I do die of cholera, you will think of Little Anna fondly from time to time, won’t you, kind sir? Box of matches for your trouble? Only a ha’penny? *Cough*.
They also eat battered things. And chips. And candyfloss, and donuts, and lollypops and ice cream and anything else they can garner from dive-bombing raids on small seafront children.
Like the evil nemisissies in superhero comics, the seagulls are given special powers by eating toxic and tapas waste - powers that they refuse to use for good.
Language
The main language of the seagull is a hooligan cry of ‘RWAAAAAAAK!‘ This is not to be confused with the hooligan cry of mid-eighties big-hair metal bands(’RAAAWK!‘), although it can sound quite similar. Other common noises include ‘Booiiiii, Boooiiiii, Boooiii’ and ‘NakNakNakNakNAk‘
‘RWAAAAAAK‘ is translatable into english, although is too coarse for this family publication.
‘Boooiiii, Boooiii, Boooiiii’ is a warning cry to anyone who might be thinking of fucking with one seagull’s right to ravish rubbish repositories in the privacy of his own main road, while
‘NakNakNakNakNak‘ is thought to simply mean ‘WhatEver’, in a very dismissive tone indeed.
Toilet habits
The area covered by the arial release of liquidised-bin-matter from 200ft in the air is a remarkable thing to behold. Bearing in mind that the expellation is from the pressure cabin of a 79-foot-big bird, it is incredible that the area covered is usually only one square half-kilometre. But that’s about the size it is. And fall it does like rain, but stickier, and more stainy.
Habitat
The Brighton branch of Habitat did for a while produce a range of designer nest-furniture, thinking that there was a huge market waiting to take off, but there were several things they neglected to take into consideration. Like high-volume-pooing window shoppers. And the fact that seagulls don’t have any money. Unfortunately, the Habitat Gull-range folded within… oh! Oh do you mean where do they live?
Oh I don’t know. Roofs. Cliffs. Oh, NakNakNakNakNak.
Positive gull points
A strong protective family instinct is surely something to be commended in anyone or anything, even if it does lead to excessive detrimental physical injury to others. As a wise Brightonean once said to me: “Walk close to the wall in chicking season” this is true. One never knows when you might get accused of looking at someone’s nest funny.
It is rumoured they might keep the local mouse-population very low indeed. I say rumoured. I mean ‘one part of my phobic-neurotic brain made up and whispered to the slightly more neurotic-phobic part that…’
Also, it is often said that the sight of the gulls circling over the sea at sunset is a beautiful sight. This is true for two reasons.
1) Swirly things are nice
2) It means they are reassuringly far away. Look! They’re all the way over THERE! Oh, Thank Jings for that.
How to recognise a seagull: A five point guide
1) Is it big?
2) Is it terrifying?
3) Is it attacking you?
4) Is it speaking in a garbled, unintelligable tongue?
3) Is it hacking at your rubbish bags?
If yes to all five, it is probably a seagull.
Or a monster.
Or an angry tramp.
Or a pig/pittbull-cross.
Or perhaps your ex-girlfriend. I don’t know.
Naknaknaknaknak.
Methods of survival, avoidance, and protection: what you as one human being can do in the face of a seagull onslaught
Nothing. There is nothing you can do.
Sorry.
You wouldn’t be beginning to regret a move to the seaside, would you?
Comment by Em³ — 17 July, 2006 6:31 pm
Oh nononono, I love it very much indeed.
Comment by anna — 17 July, 2006 6:32 pm
I live over 120 miles from the sea, and we have gulls and terns. They camp in the mall parking lots, and on flat-roofed buildings. Nobody has ever satisfactorily explained what they’re doing here. Or what they find to eat here. People blame missing cats and small dogs on coyotes, but I wonder….
Comment by Silk — 17 July, 2006 6:42 pm
Here on Treasure Island (Florida) gull watching is a big part of our tourist attraction…gulls and the all-you-can-eat-buffets. The trick is to NEVER, EVER feed them. If you should spot someone tossing scraps to them it is your moral duty to stop them. I issue threats when all else fails. Threats such as “you’ll be packing a few of those home with you if you don’t cut it out.”
Comment by SheilaO — 17 July, 2006 6:57 pm
When the sea is rough you can get them coming up to London… Bleedin’ rats with wings, or is that pigeons?
I’m assuming that the e-mail thing has sorted it’s self out ?
Comment by Andy Ramblings — 17 July, 2006 7:01 pm
Y’know, it’s funny - I went to school in Brighton, we covered the history of it at least 3 times - and obviously I was lied to at school. This all makes much, MUCH more sense to me.
Off to contact my old teachers & re-educate them.
Comment by Carly — 17 July, 2006 7:47 pm
You know, it’s funny. I haven’t seen a seagull in months. I kinda miss them now.
Please don’t hurt me.
Comment by Fraz — 17 July, 2006 9:16 pm
Julie Burchill lives in Brighton. What’s she like?
Seagull diet is awful indeed. They’re total cannibals, and will merrily peck at their own roadkill, still hot and bloody on the tarmac. I once saw one pecking at a huge plastic wrapper over a dead person floating down the Water of Leith. (It’s a well known method of disposal of one’s enemies.) It was pulling strips of flesh out of the hole it had made.
Today on my walk I met a dying blackbird beside the path. Hoped it didn’t have the deadly H5N1 strain. Would have phoned the Park Rangers if only I’d had their number.
Sad. Got me thinking and hoping it had done lots of nice blackbirdy/crowy things in its life. Eaten nice worms. Made nice lurve. Laid lots of eggs, or the other thing. How strange you should do a bird post too. Lovely post.
Comment by Peter — 17 July, 2006 9:17 pm
oh my oh my - I was at university in Aberdeen and it was exactly the same, until they cunningly installed huge wheelie bins in the road (the only downside to those being that
You can now obtain a license from the Scottish Executive to kill seagulls because of several instances of seagulls attacking humans (don’t know if this applies in England). I just geekily went to google “defence of seagulls” though as am intrigued as to why it’s a worsening problem, and what was no.2 - your previous post about seagull death which I somehow managed to miss.
Comment by the B — 17 July, 2006 9:49 pm
sorry - only downside being the obstruction of traffic and parking - but I don’t have a car anyway!
Comment by the B — 17 July, 2006 9:53 pm
Aha - seagulls.
Comment by Katy Newton — 17 July, 2006 10:13 pm
Wey hey. Welcome back Anna.
Hey everybody, Anna’s back.
Comment by Miss Nomer — 18 July, 2006 12:26 am
I was once sitting on a wall at Lyme Regis - gazing out to sea in a poetical manner (as you do!) and suddenly someone went ‘THWACK* at me with some hard something-or-other!
I stood up in fierce fury and thought ‘RIGHT!’ (as if I was going to do something to the person who threw that at me!’… and then saw seagull shit - all over my top, my bag, my shoes…. and my jeans!
Warm seagull shit! Copious amounts! I was whitewashed!
Why me? Why did it have to shit on me???
Comment by Sooz — 18 July, 2006 12:39 am
Oh and I have to say - did you notice the treadle thing the baby seagulls do?
They sort of waddle on the spot - which looks like they’re summonsing the worms from the soil but they are too dumb to realise they’re on tarmac (bless ‘em!)
Comment by Sooz — 18 July, 2006 12:41 am
Was that some kind of Freudian penis slip?
Comment by drew — 18 July, 2006 12:51 am
Um, there was supposed to be a line through my penis just now.
Comment by drew — 18 July, 2006 12:52 am
Sounds painful.
Comment by Peter — 18 July, 2006 6:57 am
Whenever I visit my friend in Brighton I am particularly pleased by the sound of seagulls in the morning. I love that sound. It’s the sound of summer.
Comment by Eva-L — 18 July, 2006 7:31 am
Yes, Eva-L, it is a very beautiful sound WHEN YOU ARE ON HOLIDAY. And, I admit, for the first couple of weeks, I found it a very happy sound all the time. I still do, every now and again, start at the sound and smile, because it suddenly shocks me into remembering where I am, what my life is like and how in love I am etc.
However. I have been awake since 4.36 this morning, when a hungry teenage seagull decided that it was going to stretch its vocal chords. I could tell it was one of the ikkle brown teenage ones, because his voice was breaking. Seriously. It was half way between a full adult ‘RWAAAAARK!’, with all the associated volume, and a chicklet ‘peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep’, which sounds cute, but is actually a high-pitched whistling noise perfect for eliciting state secrets from reluctant prisoners.
The winged hooligan made this noise constantly from 4.36am until 6.12am, when I gave up. Sorry, ‘got up’.
RWAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAAAAREeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
RWAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
How cute is he sounding now, exactly?
RWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAAAAREeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
RWAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAARK! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
I could do this all day, you know.
RWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK!
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
RWAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek.
I’m a bit tired.
Comment by anna — 18 July, 2006 8:57 am
RWAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAAAAREeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
RWAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAAAAREeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
RWAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAARK! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
Are you getting the idea?
This is ANNOYING, no?
Comment by anna — 18 July, 2006 9:55 am
Yesterday I received an email from the health and safety person at my work. It was entitled ‘Seagulls liable to attack’. There is a stash of umberellas in the building which you are encouraged to borrow as to fend off their high diving antics. There was me thinking the worse thing that could happen was a bit of seagull poo…….
Comment by Emma M — 18 July, 2006 10:23 am
RWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAAAAREeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
RWAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAARK! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARK!
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
RWAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
RWAAAAAAAAReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek.
There you go, an hour and forty minutes.
Now you know how I feel.
Comment by anna — 18 July, 2006 11:09 am
Thanks Anna, I shall send this post to all my colleagues and clients who hear the buggers when I’m on the phone, and say “how nice, sounds like the seaside”.
There’s no point in trying to sleep through the chick season. That’s what your long daily train journey is for.
Comment by chillicheese — 18 July, 2006 11:09 am
Fly kites, apparently. Stand on the roof all day, flying kites shaped like harris hawks. Or helium balloons shaped like harris hawks.
Or harris hawks shaped like harris hawks. But don’t let one actually kill a seagull, because they love that (http://www.stanford.edu/group/stanfordbirds/text/essays/Gulls_Are_Attracted.html).
We had three little brown darling babies raised on the chimneypot opposite this year. They’ve taken to doing little flights - you can see the panic in their eyes - but still keep coming back to their chimneypot. The latest noise is Very Squeaky Gate, which they joyfully interweave with the nazgul scream of death.
My reluctant prisoners have already told everything there is to tell.
But soon - soon, Anna, it will stop. This is THE WORSTEST time for gull noises. You can’t close windows without melting yourself to death, and the ickle fledgelings are the loudest and awfullest creatures known to man, and they hang around where they were born for ages, but then they go. And with them go the AWKing parents, and the AWKing parties they have (where all their mates come round for a big AWKing flying evening and to compare photos and stories of when their little Eric (it’s usually Eric) first jumped off the AWKing chimneypot and how cute he is when he does his evil hunchback youhavetolookafterme thing) and then the world is quiet again, and everybody in the world is happy forever.
Comment by Bob — 18 July, 2006 11:22 am
Great post :)
Comment by Chiugate — 18 July, 2006 11:29 am
Thank you, Bob. Thank you.
You’ve made a sleep-deprived woman very happy.
Comment by anna — 18 July, 2006 11:44 am
I’ve just found a website which mentions the New Zealand Hokitika Wildfoods festival, with stalls serving local delicacies such as barbequed seagull legs!
Have you thought of wandering around with an open bag of chips and a tennis racquet? Could be a very satisfying pastime…lure them in with the chips then *THHWACKKK* - another couple of items for the barby.
On a slightly more serious note, if you’ve got a “seagull sitting on your windowsill”-type problem, tie an old CD to a piece of string and let it hang freely over the sill, or taktaktaktaktak, and it will waft around in the breeze/gale and keep you seagull free. Or stop swallows nesting. Or something.
Comment by AndyB — 18 July, 2006 11:54 am
Thanks Andy.
I was thinking about just kidding them to death, but, you know, naknaknaknaknak.
Comment by anna — 18 July, 2006 11:56 am
The other day some local yokel chucked a stone at a seagull on the beach. We don’t actually get many seagulls here, but some locals just think that animals are there as moving targets for their stonethrowing pleasure. Anyway, he hit the gull on the head and knocked it out. A friend took it home with her and tried to make it better but it died of head injuries a few days later. squarksniffsquark…
Comment by nicki — 18 July, 2006 12:27 pm
Hmmm, I think your comment about half-kilometre-square-shitting is inaccurate. Or maybe some of them are better trained?
A couple of years ago I went to a Very Important Meeting in Brighton and wandered to the offices of the client with a female colleague. About 200 yards from the entrance she said, “Did you feel that? It felt like rain.”
We both looked up into a perfectly blue sky. How weird we both thought. We went into the reception area to sign in, and my colleague went to get her glasses out of her hand bag.
Cue her impression of a seagull type scream.
It seems a Seagull had managed to deposit it’s waste into a two inch (at most) gap into her open handbag ensuring the contents were drenched in bird butt nastiness. It looked like someone had poured a Mr Whippy ice-cream in there.
Oh how I laughed.
Oh how she slapped that smile off my face and beat me to within and inch of my life.
They are clearly capable of surgical strikes too, do not dismiss them as slap-dash carpet bombers.
Comment by Mr Angry — 18 July, 2006 12:55 pm
Round my workplace every rooftop has its ickle gull doing the Very Sqesky Gate / Nazgul scream of death thing.
Heh. Nazgull. And you know, a lot of them have rings on their legs…..
Oh, and Anna: you don’t cough if you’ve got cholera. What you do is, er, rather less ladylike and more gull-like. So if a gull gives it to you, just hire a hot-air ballooon and be revenged.
Comment by Rob — 18 July, 2006 1:01 pm
So you feel the need to inform me that you don’t cough when you have Cholera, but nothing at all about the whole ’seagulls are 79-foot-big’ fact.
Ee, you do pick your pedantic-battles randomly, don’t you Rob?
Comment by anna — 18 July, 2006 1:07 pm
As I said to you before, invest in a Supersoaker water pistol. If it’s big enough you can bring them down from 30 feet away. Although, when I used this method on the Indian Minors that used to come into our house in Australia, it didn’t take them long to recognise the supersoaker. And worse, they worked out its range, so they would sit on the fence, just out of range, and taunt me.
Birds are evil.
Have you seen Hitchcock’s The Birds?
It is proof that birds are evil.
Comment by Damian — 18 July, 2006 1:52 pm
And as I said to you, Damian, I’ll pop into Toys’R'Us and pick up one of them SuperSoakers when they start selling the bullet-firing ones.
Comment by anna — 18 July, 2006 2:50 pm
Point taken! I am a bit more sympathetic now after spending most of this horribly sunny day outdoors at a funfair with two (too) small children. And I read almost the entire seagull talk comment with a migraine.
There’s nothing worse than being kept awake in the early morning. I hope you’ll find a some way to cope.
Comment by Eva-L — 18 July, 2006 3:38 pm
You’re a genius, Anna. I mean, you’re a genius harried from the skies, but still one nonetheless.
Comment by Stuart — 18 July, 2006 6:02 pm
I like being called a genius. Do it more.
DO IT MORE!
Mwahahahhhahahahahaha!
Oh, no, hang on, that’s an evil genius.
Comment by anna — 18 July, 2006 9:43 pm
Would like to stop to read more but got to meet son at the end of the Close - he forgot his safety umbrella. Seaford seagulls are protective of their young, and so am I. The third swoop is low and noisy, and could result in a middle parting. The para-military wing of Brighton seagulls is on a roof nearby.
Comment by Jill — 18 July, 2006 9:50 pm
you sound like I feel :(
(but with much better writing)
What the hell is up with them this week? (I know, noisy and irritating every week, but noticeably worse this week). In a ridiculous 4am chorus we awoke to:
RAAAWK
MEERAAAAAAARWW
RUUUUUFFFFFHAROOOOOF
RAAAAWWWK
WAAAAAAAAAAAH
(That’s derranged seagull attacks cat, who wakes up dog, who scares seagull, who wakes baby)
*yawn*
Wondering if that rat poison in the bread thing they do to the pigeons in 24 Hour Party People would work on seagulls…
Comment by Lauren — 18 July, 2006 9:53 pm
Not long after we first moved down to Brighton we were with friends on the Palace Pier (for I think it was still called that then) eating doughnuts when a nasty, evil seagull swooped down and took the whole doughnut (well ok I’d had one small bite but nothing more) out of my hand
Cull the Gull - http://www.bridportradio.co.uk/content/view/77/99/ - may have some useful stuff - I didn’t get chance to read much of it…
Comment by Jane — 19 July, 2006 12:09 am
Remember how I said on here that I missed seagulls? This morning a bunch of them appeared on some local fields while I was walking to the gym.
They’re reading this. Keep your gull-beating strategies quiet, everyone. They’ll only find a way to counteract them quicker.
Comment by Fraz — 19 July, 2006 12:10 am
Need some clarification here. Can you enlighten us as to the nature of the birds hovering above the L.R.B? I always thought they were seagulls, but painly must be mistaken as they are saying SQWAAAAAK! and not RWAAAAAAAK!
Or possibly they are pre-Brighton, Londoner romantic notiony seagulls?
Here in Arundel the buggers fight with the swans on the river for food. Swans are pretty nasty but the searats always win.
Comment by Rob — 19 July, 2006 12:51 am
I used to live on a narrow boat on the Grand Union Canal, and we had killer seagulls there - seriously scary. Mind you, the bloody geese were worse. Try to sleep with 10 fucking canada geese honking like foghorns outside your bedroom porthole.
I sympathise.
Comment by rachie — 19 July, 2006 8:52 am
I live in a land-locked, pretty-much-as-far-away-from-any-decently-sized-body-of-water type town, so the seagulls we did have here all those many millions of years ago took the time to mutate into what’s known today as the not-so-humble hadeda ibis. You’re talking Nazgul scream of death thing? Try waking up at 5am to these fuckers copulating right outside your bedroom window. It is deeply disturbing. On a deeply disturbing level.
Comment by Hennie — 19 July, 2006 10:06 am
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/south_of_scotland/5191090.stm
Comment by afc 30K — 19 July, 2006 11:43 am
Just a couple of seagull related activties (not quite as good as chucking stones at them)
http://www.panlogic.co.uk/wwf/seagull/
http://www.mfurseroberts.com/games/seagull
Enjoy
Comment by Jules — 19 July, 2006 12:42 pm
The Aberdonian gulls are even bigger. They land on cars/ bins and dent them. And when the chicks are about two months old they get stuck (they can glide and hop but not fly) in gardens and attack cats/ residents.
Comment by GazH — 19 July, 2006 6:51 pm
Just got to the other Aberdeen post (#9): they can get in the big communal wheely bins, especially when they are overfull or damaged. Woe betide you if your car is near as they will land on it, get some food and open / shred it on the roof. Chelsea Tractor (4×4 or people carriers)are preferred, higher vantage point and better for take off.
Comment by GazH — 19 July, 2006 6:58 pm
Anna - re #32 - not randomly, no. It was the “get a hot-air balloon and be revenged” that clinched it for me. Couldn’t think of a good action point for you from “hey, seagulls aren’t 79 feet big”. except, you know, maybe, er…
Nope. No action points.
Comment by Rob — 20 July, 2006 11:22 am
oh? no mention of binvelopes?
Comment by petite — 21 July, 2006 5:04 am
I used to work in an office on the seafront in Hove, on…oh, the 3rd floor or something. One day, I look out of the window, see there’s a seagull standing on the windowsill, so I tap on the glass to get rid of it
It just at me with complete contempt.
This is not what I had expected, which was a startled, slightly inelegant leap into the air.
I looked back at it, noticed that the window could not be opened, and realised to my great surprise that I seemed to have exhausted my ability to threaten it with meaningful violence. The seagull stayed.
Anna - thank you for admitting (implicitly) that they’re actually much bigger than 79 feet.
Comment by Philip — 21 July, 2006 11:36 am
Oh, you just brightened up my day once again, Anna!
I’m a bit conflicted here, though. On the one hand, I am glad I’m hearing-impaired so I can turn off my hearing-aid and mute the whole world whenever I bloody well feel like it, but on the other… well, that’s a bit selfish, isn’t it? I feel guilty for being able to avoid things like seagull-Nazgul hybrids screaming birdy insults when everyone else can’t.
A dilemma indeed.
Comment by Marie in Kourou — 21 July, 2006 11:59 pm
You should see the seagulls on the Isle of Man. They are annoyingly everywhere and when you can’t see one, you can definitely hear one. I feel persecuted by this hideous bird. Whilst I can’t condone killing the chicks as the Dumfries teenager did, it is frustrating to have seagull crap on your car or to feel hounded by them if you eat your lunch on the prom.
I am also trying to understand their logic. If you throw food down for them, they will come and cry their hearts out. But then this attracts other seagulls and they start fighting over the food. I can think of two reasons for this strange behaviour. Firstly, they are calling for their family in the vain hope that the chick or whoever will identify the gull and fly to the food. Secondly, it is some strange ritual where they have to prove their worthiness of the food in physical battle. It beats me why they don’t just swoop down and take the food quietly without all this caper.
Comment by Simon — 22 July, 2006 5:24 pm
Great to see the gulls getting some shit rather than us pigeons. About time. Btw - did you know pigeons call them ‘Dulls’? Reason is they tend to be really dull with nothing interesting to say whatsoever. No sense of humour either. Nothing. Reminds me of a great joke a pal told me the other day:
‘What did one Dull say to the other?’
‘I dunno, what did one Dull say to the other?’
‘Nothing’
Pissed myself - not sure if it translates tho…
Hate them, almost as much as I hate swans.
Bri P
Comment by Brian Pigeon — 22 July, 2006 5:30 pm
Em,
I appear to have rescued a baby seagull as it was about to be eaten by a cat. I am now scared as it is in my bath and the bloody SSPCA are ignoring my phonecalls. Hmmm, any suggestions???
Comment by janey — 22 July, 2006 10:43 pm
A bit late with the comment but I’m new to your blog so I’m working my way through.
I once had a hideous job at an insurance company talking to people about their cars. Anyway, I’m sitting at the counter with some spotty youth opposite me who’s just bought a cosworth when a maggot drops on to the counter between us.
Turns out a seagull died in our aircon system and the nature that’s been taking it’s course for a few weeks has started to come out through the vents
*shudder*
Comment by Sharleen — 27 July, 2006 3:04 pm
Nice blog…some great stuff.
Having looked through the blog in anticipation of finding a seagull deterrent my hopes have been dashed. Looks like I’ve got to put up with these noisy pests - !!!UNLESS ANYONE HAS GOT ANY SUGGESTIONS???!!!
Comment by Phil — 6 August, 2006 2:12 pm