1) I hate Madonna.
Particularly her new song, on which she raps.
And I feel really bad about this.
See, I’ve never liked Madonna, not much, some of her songs are catchy, and I will dance, but I’ve never really, you know, liked her.
I wouldn’t call myself a fan.
And now, now she’s rapping. Badly. More than badly.

It’s an awful new song, and quite frankly, given the choice between Dr Karl Kennedy and this on a loop, in hell, for eternity, I’d be hard pressed to decide.

But in a way, I worry.
I worry that I could have done something to prevent this.
I mean, if I’d given her the support she needed earlier on, maybe she never would have turned to this.
If I, and all my friends, had given her the love and encouragement she so obviously needed, perhaps she wouldn’t have felt the need to stoop to these depths to try and gain our attention.

Poor darling.

Either that, or she’s doing irony.

And if Madonna’s doing irony and I don’t get it, then I’m fucked, my life is over, shoot me now.

2) I hate Cordless phones.

Because they’re ringing somewhere in the damn house, and so are their bases, so the first thing you do is to run to their bases, and of course they’re not there, they’re somewhere else, and so you stand stock still and try and work out where the noise is coming from, and you realise it’s upstairs, it’s under the spare bed, and then you answer it, and as soon as you answer it, the answerphone also picks up, and then you’re shouting to be heard over the bloody recorded voice, and you run downstairs again and you try and turn the answerphone off but as soon as you get to it, you get feedback and it drills through your ear, and then it’s not a phone call for you anyway, so you put the phone down and decide to take the handset up to your room, and then you go downstairs to make lunch and forget it and the same bloody thing happens all over a-bloody-gain.
Except this time your pasta boils over too.

gr.

I am, however in a great mood. And I’m going to be in manchester in 7 hours. Rah. Get the drinks in boys.

More fecking lists

I thought if I was going to truly ‘guest blog’ on Mr Mike’s Troubled Diva with all the lovely talented people over there, I should at least write one list.
So I did.

Never never land

This time tomorrow I’ll be there, among the lost boys, all the people I would hang with at 17, 18, 19, all men, that I lost contact with when I broke up with the person that connected us.
But now they’re not lost anymore. Any of them.
And I’m going on a proper holiday.

To see the lost boys, the boys who, in my head, have never grown up.

When I asked for the plan, I was told;

We all meet you in an acutely fashionable bar at sevenish. We get
drunk, talk about how we’ve radically revised our opinions
concerning the Iraqi war since the weekend, segue that into a
conversation about which fully automatic weapon is, like, the most boss,
and then round off the night with an orgy of symbiotic
melancholy & self pity about how we all hate our jobs and need to
get laid. We nurse psychotic hangovers the following morning, and
begin the whole absurdly Phyrric venture again the following night.

I really can’t wait.
I’m so excited.
Lost boys, Never never land.
I feel like Wendy.

But for the fact that I really, really hated that fucking play.
I wish I could come up with another analogy.
Bleurgh. Peter fucking Pan.
Peh.

I couldn’t let the list of unusual or irrational fears linger in comments until they disappeared forever, they’re far too entertaining.

Therefore, I’m proud to present yet another list;

Things that me or people who read this site are scared of…
Please avert your eyes if you have problems reading the word ‘metronome’. Oh, shit, sorry.
1. Feathers. (Pteronophobia)
2. Balloons. (floatiphobia)
3. Buttons. (fiddlyphobia)
4. Little yappy dogs. (miniyapyapcynophobia)
5. frogs/toads (Bufonophobia)
6. Spiders. (arachnophobia)
7. Bugs (Crawlibastardphobia)
8. Donkey. (Donkeyphobia)
9. The Letterbox. (There isn’t a word for that…)
10. pigeons (A form of ornithophobia. Trafalgarphobia)
11. Tin foil (Bacophobia)
12. Celine Dion (Abnormallylongfacophobia)
13. Moths, and other flappy things. (Mottephobia)
14. Unglazed ceramics, terracotta, pottery. (terrapottyceramaphobia)
15. Exhust fans. (I don’t even know what these are. ophobia.)
16. Sponges. (Squidgyphobia)
17. Metronomes. (metronomitickticktickphobia)
18. Lollysticks or wooden coffee stirers (ramentulinguaphobia - fear of splinters in the tongue)
19. Shop bought Quiche. blandpureephobia
20. Soup. (Cup-a-phobia)
21. Bright things, bright lights, camera flashes. (Photophobia)
22. Timothy Dalton and Brian Ferry. (smarmiphobia)
23. Shopping carts in unusual places. (yes.)
24. Pasta. (fettuciniphobia)
25. Snakes. (Ophidiophobia)
26. Recieving electric shocks from metal (Electrometallophobia)
27. Extra strong mints. (grittimintiphobia)
28. Spiral staircases in old buildings. (curlyclimacophobia)
29. Small round food. (Minispheriyumyumphobia)
30. Bananas. (Phallophobia)
31. Worms. (Scoleciphobia).

Now, I ran into some problems, because a couple of these things didn’t have official words.
Which is stupid, since there are official words for;
Fear of staying single- Anuptaphobia
and
Peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth- Arachibutyrophobia.
(courtesy of The phobia list.)

Incidentally, I did forget one thing;
Time specific, but after watching ‘Jaws’ I was terrified of going to the toilet for quite a while.
Because of, oh you know, the possibility of a shark attack.

Anna Pickard is on holiday.

I haven’t mentioned that, have I?…
I’m on holiday, right now. Granted, I’m still, like, Here, but I am, I assure you, on holiday.

I’m vegging.

Anyway. I’ve vegged, watched CSI, Boomtown, The West Wing, ER, Law and order and, of course, Neighbours.

Speaking of Neighbours, which people just don’t do enough in my opinion, Alan Fletcher or ‘Dr Karl Kennedy’, as I prefer to know him, has written a song about the War in Iraq.

Which I strongly recommend you listen to.
It’s on his website.
It really is something you should listen to.
Really.

Or you could read the lyrics.
It’s not quite the same experience, but still really, really worth it.
Really.

Just a link

I don’t talk much about the war, because I don’t believe I’m informed enough or intelligent enough to make a reasonable argument.
It’s just another of the ways in which I feel powerless in this situation, disenfranchised and useless.
Very angry though.

So I like it when people can make the arguments I’m trying so hard to verbalise myself.
Breaking with the Geneva Convention.

Self discipline - from theory to reality
How to make it work for You.

Lack direction on a day to day basis? Give yourself parameters, goals.
Make a list of ‘things to do’….
Just think how satisfied you’ll feel, ticking off all the jobs on your list…

right.

Anna’s list of things to do.
1. Make a list of things to do.

Right. Well, I’ve done that.
I don’t feel that much better…

For anyone that keeps up with my weekly pub quiz…

This evening, the tastelessly entited team;

‘The population of Iraq. (We know we’re pretty much screwed but are attempting, and have been ordered to, fight back all the same)‘

Came second to last.
The bar team came last.
They gave us their losers prize of peanuts.
They rather tastefully announced it as an aid package.

Oh, and by the way…

It’s guest week over at troubled diva, with an interesting mix of contributors, although shockingly, only one female participant.
Should be fun, all the same…

What about sweetcorn?

Mark just mentioned in my comments that he has a friend who is afraid of balloons, which is both good, and bad.
Bad because my new design has thereby potentially lost one more reader.

Good, because I f***ing love irrational fears.

That sounds mean doesn’t it? It’s not. I have a bunch myself.
Tin foil, for example, and the texture of shop-bought quiche makes me puke.
There we are.
I’ve shared.
Now can I talk meanly about other people’s fabulous irrational fears?
Thank you.

I love irrational fears in the same way in which I love people who aren’t afraid to be stereotypes.
But I love irrational fears more.

My most recent favourite, belonging to an undergraduate that I’m mentoring (ha!) is a fear of pre-historic animals.
Or animals that look like they could potentially be pre-historic.
Cited examples included zebras, giraffes. horses (although interestingly, not donkeys), crocodiles, obviously, and, erm oh, other things, I couldn’t quite see what made various animals ‘pre-historic-looking’. I think wilderbeest were included.

Speaking of nuts, I had a colleague once who had a hissy fit when I offered her a piece of fruit and nut flapjack.
Her reason? Her phobia of ’small round food’.
This led to a whole day of colleague-torture, as we tried to ascertain what the parameters of this fear were.
How small is small? Are maltesters small, what about Brussels Sprouts? Are they too big? They are quite big, aren’t they? Well, what if they’re cut into quarters? Then they’re still essentially round, but taking on a ‘wedgie’ form in camoflage. What about sweetcorn? Is sweetcorn round? Surely it’s polygonal, a cube, a hexagon, something? Peas are a given, obviously, but what about split peas?

My piano teacher was afraid of cotton wool, especially the sound of it.

I knew someone that was afraid of glue. Only white glue though, not clear.

I had an ex-boyfriend afeared of woodlice, and a friend scared of lightbulbs, wet cold teabags, and hair when not implanted in a head.
I’ve heard much of the fear of nuns.

I am afraid of cows, mice, tinfoil, quiche, dead things, shouting, gravel and sandfleas and sharpened spoons.
Or some of those, anyway.
You?

Wow.

Blogging reaches the dizzy heights of a lead story in G2.
Granted, it’s that bloke in Baghdad, rather than, say, me, but it’s a step in the right direction.

:o)

I’ve started looking up more.

well?
what do you think?
apart from meg being a genius, obviously.
From the vaguest of design briefs, something this…
yummy.

well?

Alright, there are more than ten. A few more. Quite a few more. There are a lot.
I never realised how many.
Lists.
I was writing a list today, and I realised that I like lists. And that I’ve got too many archives for anyone to bother to read.
So I decided, with my holiday, I should categorise my archives. And we’re starting with lists.
Now, there are numbered lists, un-numbered lists, posts about lists and posts about other things that involve little tiny lists.
It was interesting reading them all though.

And anyone that can’t be keffed to go through archives normally, then here you are.

Lists;

1. Five things that have happened in the last two days.
2. Ten things I like.
3. Twenty things that have happened since last I blogged.
4. Four things in a luxury hotel
5. Summary list - my 2001
6. Things that I have learnt.
7. Growing up - the rules.
8. Things I shouldn’t say.
9. Nicknames I have had.
10. 10 things which should not be done in public.
11. I have cried today because…
12. 10 things you can do with clingfilm.
13. 21 things I have learnt…
14. I want.
15. 12 things to do with an afternoon off.
16. Sexy or unsexy words.
17. Headstones.
18. 7 good things, 7 bad.
19. The differences between sheep and cows.
20. 7 things that have pissed me off.
21. Velcro nipples.
22. 100 great Britons.
23. Play review, point by point.
24. 3 things about me.
25. Differences between city and island.
26. Find a penny pick it up…
27. 42 punchlines.
28. Rejected posts.
29. 5 things I like.
30. 15 long and stupid academic words.
31. 15 things.
32. Things that rhyme.
33. Five things that are not always carried with me in my handbag.
34. What’s the right age to stop sleeping with?…
35. Five things I would not put in a time capsule.
36. 10 fictional figures I would not invite to a dinner party.
37. 5 things I would not take to a desert island.
38. 12 historical figures I would not invite to a dinner party.
39. This morning I am…
40. How do I hate thee, ‘Catch me if you can.’..
41. The author as girlfriend.
42. ‘The ten best places to kiss’
43. I want.
44. I don’t want.
45. Count your blessings.