Ten fictional people I would not invite to a hypothetical dinner party.

Not even if I had a big enough table, could cook, and they existed at all.

1. Jessica Fletcher from Murder she wrote (People die when she comes to your house. That’s not a good party trick.)
2. James Bond (People blow up when he comes to your house. That’s a pretty good party trick, but he still ain’t coming).
3. Hamlet (dour)
4. Frankenstein’s Monster (Monster)
5. Disneys version of Tigger (bouncybouncybouncybouncy. Really fucking annoying. I don’t want to end up punching a cartoon tigger. This is supposed to be a dinner party)
6. Bridget Jones (See Tigger. Plus, whiny)
7. Jesus Christ (Just covering all my bases, since I put him in the historicals list. Dont want to offend any atheists. Also, beard)
8. Dr Jeckyll/Mr Hyde (Split personalities fuck up seating plans. Also, murderer)
9. Forrest Gump (Or, in fact, any character portrayed by Mr Hanks)
10. Flipper (limited conversationalist. Also, removal from water would lead to his death by the middle of the pre-dinner cocktail. Dead Dolphin a general dinner-party-downer.)

Ever. Even if I did have a big enough table.

(And could raise the dead)

1. Oliver Cromwell (No fun)
2. Oscar Wilde (Too much fun. No one else would get a word in. Not even me. And Its my bloody party)
3. Florence Nightingale (do-gooder)
4. Rasputin (Evil. Also, beard.)
5. Jesus (No socks. I’m not too fussy about the hypothetical dress code, but I will insist on hypothetical socks)
6. Anton Checkov (Coughs on food, consumptive, beard.)
7. Ghandi (Nice guy, but makes everyone feel bad about taking second helpings)
8. Tom Hanks
9. Leonardo di Vinci (I don’t speak any Italian. He only speaks Italian.)
10. Marquis de Sade (Not at the dinner table, thank you.)
11. Jack the Ripper (Murderer, probably quite shouty also. Possible beard.)
12. Lawrence of Arabia (Sandy. Smells of Camel Sweat. No beard, but looks as though he may be thinking of growing one.)